Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody
by Jace22
Summary: A parody that looks somewhat like Harry Potter's 6th year. Contains utter stupidity, insanity, crazy and warped plots, mama'sboyDraco hmmm IC?, omghomophobe!Ron, hated Marysue, damn sexy Malfoys, and more. HarryDraco slash abounds xD
1. The Beginning of the Canon Rape

Fandom: Harry Potter  
Tittle: Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody   
Rating: pg-13  
Warnings/Summary: This will make fun of bad fanfiction, contain stupid plots, stupid people, and stupid things in general. Complete insanity is expected when dealing with me. Will have mentions of slash in it too. Harry/Draco most likely as of now, but I have no idea what I'll decide later. Contains "Goth!Ginny" and mentions of Harrys new fav muggle band, EVANESCENCE! And cheese. A lot of that. Purposeful bad spelling and grammar.   
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. JK creates them, we just play with them 3

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody 

Harry Potter's summer was quite strange. Most memorable things that happened to him seemed to happen early in the morning when he'd first woken up.

The first morning he happened to wake up and suddenly say, "I like cheese." It seemed strange to him that he'd never before realized what an affinity he had for cheese and angsty muggle music. But somehow this angsty muggle music made him think of Sirius whom he couldn't think of.

Harry woke up one morning, thinking about Ron and Hermione, and most certainly not Sirius.

_Sirius_ He thought.

_OMG NO!_ He cried-thought to himself. _I can't, like , deal with that._ The he paused and realized that if this year he wanted to randomly develop a crush on Ginny Weasley, then he was going to have to be more manly about things. _Sirius. Oh, pain. Musn't think of that._ He felt satisfied.

Then he went back to thinking about Ron and Hermione. For a long time he couldn't stand to have them around, yet at the same time he couldn't bear to be away from them. It was all so confusing back then...a week or so ago.

But that day was different.

"I'M GOING TO RON'S!"

Because Harry was a changed person thanks to angsty muggle music.

XxXx

Normally, Harry would have hidden out under the couch—since he was so skinny—until Dudley accidentally found him by sitting on him. Today was a special day, though. Today Dumbledore was going to take him to the burrow.

Where was the burrow, anyway?

Probably in a forest. Or a shoe. They certainly had enough children.

So instead of hiding under the couch, Harry put on his apron and got around to make delicious cheese blintzes.

"Here," He said, thrusting a blintz at Uncle Vernon, "Just don't rape me."

Uncle Vernon just made a face and went back to eating his blince. And thinking about drill presses. Today was a lovely _normal_ day. NORMAL.

When he wasn't looking, Aunt Petunia practiced balancing spoons on her nose. She used to be a champion at it. Her parents used to pay attention to her for it. Until Lilly found out she was a witch.

"I hate witches and wizards and hamburgers." Aunt Petunia muttered darkly, and then scowled as the spoon fell from her nose. She, of course, blamed it on Harry.

"I wonder when Dumbledore's coming." Harry said mildly to the dog they didn't have.

"I'm here now, Harry." Dumbledore stepped out of the shadow.

"Oh," Harry blinked. "How long have you been here, professor?"

"For awhile now, Harry." Dumbledore said wisely. He turned to the rest of the family, "Can I offer you some tea?"

"Er--" Uncle Vernon started intelligently.

"Well, we best be on our way."

Harry worried about Dumbledore, but didn't want to offend him. He gave a meek wave to the Dursley's and went to pack his bags. Dumbledore followed.

"Ah, Harry. I see you weren't expecting me to actually come ever today."

"Uh, yeah." Harry said, not really listening.

Dumbledore stood behind Harry as he packed. "Well we best be on our way."

"Yeah, just wait a second." Harry said irritably since this was at least the fourth time Dumbledore had said that.

"Look what I can do!" Dumbledore cried and waved his wand in circles.

Harry looked, wide eyed at Dumbledore, realizing that this man was truly the most amazing wizard. Hopefully he wouldn't die soon or anything.

On their way outside, Dumbledore stopped abruptly. "Harry if anyone should attack, I give you full permission to use magic. And sex appeal."

"Right."

"But I don't think you'll need to."

"Why's that, professor?" Harry asked wearily, wondering why he'd even mentioned it in the first place.

"Because you like cheese. And so do the Death Eaters. They'll remember that."

"Oh." Harry said, eyes widening. This might be helpful in the future.

XxXx

It was three in the morning when they finally arrived at the burrow.

Mrs. Weasley rushed out to greet him. Harry didn't pretend to not be a little creeped out.

"How did you know we were here?" He asked suspiciously.

"Oh, well, I was looking out the window, just in case you decided to get here at three in the morning."

"Er, thanks." Harry nodded...appreciatively.

"Everyone else is in bed. They weren't expecting you to come now. At one they all woke up thinking you were here, but it was just the mailman."

"The mailman?"

"He had the wrong address. It took him forever to find the place and then we had to make him forget! Tee hee. Arthur's the only one who isn't here. He's still at the ministry working. He got promoted!"

Harry, realizing this was probably the highlight of her day or year, said kindly, "That's really great, Mrs. Weasley."

"Yes indeed." She smiled serenely. "That means we can afford cheese, would you like some Harry?" Harry knew from this mention of cheese that cheese was obviously going to be important this year, but being Harry he was stupid and wouldn't really know this until the end when it was most likely too late.

Harry looked over at the clock that usually told where each Weasley was. All the names were pointing to, 'Mortal Kombat'

"Erm, Mrs. Weasley, why's the clock say 'Mortal Kombat'? And why's it in the wastebasket?"

"Ohh!" Mrs. Weasley trilled because trilling is fun and awesomumbo. "Well, you know, money was tight in back in the days when we bought that clock...and the wastebasket is brand new! We thought it would look lovely in there."

"Ok."

Suddenly Arthur Weasleys clock hand went to, 'Koming Home' and then there was a knock at the door.

"ARTHUR!" Mrs. Weasley almost openend the door when Mr. Weasley started shouting.

"No, Molly, DON'T! What if I were a Death Eater? Haven't you learned anything from the Oprah memories I made in the pensive we finally bought? OPRAH! Ask me a question."

Mrs. Weasley sighed. "What color is Ginny's hair?"

"I don't know we never pay attention to her!"

They both guffawed and Mrs. Weasley opened the door.

Harry wondered when they'd suddenly stopped paying attention to Ginny since they'd seemed to be excellent parents before. Or how they knew anything about Oprah which was _such_ a muggle show. It was Aunt Petunia's favorite. Dudley sometimes got into it too.

"Well you best be getting to bed." Mrs. Weasley said and poured some tea into some tubawear. "Here, take this with you, it soothes the soul.

"Thanks." Harry said, and went upstairs.

Harry tried to ignore the sounds of Mr. Weasley honking and going, "Gimmee poo-tay-tang, Minty Molly Baby."

XxXx

The next morning Harry awoke to the feeling of something heavy on his chest.

Blearily, he opened his eyes, only to see Ron peering at him intently, merely inches from his face. "Blood hell, Rob!"

"Ron." Ron corrected.

"Oh, yeah, sorry." Harry said, wondering why he couldn't seem to remember Ron's name these...day.

"Well, that's OK, I guess." Ron frowned, looking a bit hurt. "Oh, yeah. Mum told me to tell you to pick a question. You know, so we know if you're a Death Eater or not."

"Well...How about you ask me what my favorite muggle band is. It's EVANESCENCE!"

"OK." Ron replied, but hadn't really been listening since he'd just noticed that Hermione had been in the room the whole time and that he'd been in love with her forever , but was just so used to being a git about everything when it came to her that he couldn't quite shake the habit. "Oh, Hermione, what are _you_ doing here?"

She looked annoyed and infuriatingly...smart "Ron, I've been here for a few days now. Stop asking me that already."

"Shut up! You're no better than me!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, yet continued to be attracted to Ron for no reason.

Then Ginny crawled out from under the bed. Only, it wasn't quite a crawl. It was more sliding out on her back. Like a liquid shadow. One thing was for sure, Ginny had changed.

She had dying her hair dark purple with blood red and black. Also, there was some dark blue for good measure. Her clothes were pretty much all black and she appeared to have scars all over her arms. Oh, and she had cargo pants.

"Hello, Harry. From the way you're lying there I can see you think you're the big shit."

"Hot shit?"

"Whatever."

"Sorry, Harry, you'll have to excuse her. Since Ginny's been sliding out from under beds recently." Ron said, frowning.

"My boyfriend Dean says it's sexy. Are you jealous yet, Harry? Not that I've suddenly changed everything about me for you so you'll like me. No. I just will randomly decide later when you love me that I never gave up on you. Are we clear?"

"Yes," Harry said, looking at Hedwig who appeared to be ruffling her feathers. It really was quite fascinating.

"Fleghsgs, here." Ginny said after a ten minute silence.

"Who?"

That's when Fluer walked in. "Voh! Varry! Vow vave vou veen?"

"Guh!" Ron shrieked and began humping Fleurs leg. She tactfully ignored him. She was used to this by now.

"Yo Fluer, wassup home dog? Why are you in the hizzle?"

"Ve, vat vis, Vill vand Vi vare vetting varied, Varry!"

She pried Ron off her legs and walked out of the room.

"I hate Fleghsgs. She's so irritating. All she does is boss me around and talk in that weird accent of hers."

"How do you even pronounce or spell that?" Harry asked.

"Oh, you get used to it." Ginny answered

"I'll take your word for it." Harry lied.

"Your mama." Ron said intelligently.

"I hate all of you," Hermione sighed, and Ginny slapped her for no reason.

"I can't wait to go shopping." Harry squealed.

TBC!


	2. Bellatrix and Her Nicknames From Hell

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 2: Bellatrix and Her Nicknames From Hell

"Sissy-poo! We shouldn't do this! No one's supposed to know about the plan!"

Narcissa turned on her heels and faced Bellatrix angrily. "Shut yo mouth, woman! This is about_ Draco_, not you and your inability to trust Severus!" Narcissa was on her last nerve with Bellatrix, who seemed to be giving her awful nicknames right and left . Left and right. Up and down. Diagonal and…other diagonal..._Way to butcher my name, Bella-boo_. She thought with irritation.

Snape was having a perfectly lovely day picking his nose, watching memories from his teen years of him getting picked on by Sirius and James, and picking out his favorite outfits for the school year, when bloody Bellatrix showed up with not-so-narcoleptic Narcissa Malfoy.

"Oh hello, Bellatrix," Snape said Snapily, hoping that Bellatrix wouldn't pick up on the fact that he'd been lusting after her since she'd killed Sirius.

"Snape." She greeted, "Jerked off while looking at any potions articles lately?"

"Shut yo mouth, woman." He snapped at Bellatrix, then turned to Narcissa. "Hello, Narcissa." He said, feeling completely turned on for no reason. Snape had a strange problem where he seemed to get turned on whenever a Malfoy walked by. Damn sexy Malfoys. "What is it you need?"

"Oh, Severus! There's a plan that not many Death Eaters know, and I won't pretend that I think you know until you tell me you know, but I need your help! I'm not supposed to tell you because it could result in the death I'm trying to avoid by telling you!"

"I see." Snape replied.

"I don't trust him, Sissy!" Bellatrix shrilled. "Don't do this!" She turned to Snape. "YOU! I have a few questions for you. Why didn't you bring me the _cheese_, the _Velveeta_ cheese! The cheese that would have brought the Dark Lord back to power YEARS ago?"

"That's only one question," Snape said after realizing she wasn't going to ask anymore questions.

"That's the only questions that I need many answer to now, Snape."

Narcissa just nodded. She was sick of making excuses for Bella. The only person who seemed to believe that Narcissa was constantly drugging Bellatrix, thus causing her to behave ands speak as she normally did, was Lucious and that was because she generally drugged him too.

She burst into tears that had been repressed ever since Lucious had started raping their son Draco.

DRACO!

Snape desperately wanted to help Narcissa, damn sexy Malfoys, but he knew he would first have to deal with Bellatrix, who wasn't sexy, but who had killed Sirius, which was basically the same thing.

"_Bellatrix_, don't you think the Dark Lord has asked me every single one of that question? He is no fool. There _is_ a logical explanation. The cheese is being guarded by Dumbledore himself. To take it would mean giving up my true loyalties. The Dark Lord understands this. He knows the cheese is in good hands."

"Alright then. For reasons unknown to me, I will let this slide."

"Now then, Narcissa, what seems to be the problem?" Snape said, not fully turning his attention to Narcissa because if he did he'd be sure to explode with sexual arousal. Greasy, snapey, sexual arousal.

"Well," She sniffed, "You know what Draco's assignment is, don't you?"

"No."

"Oh, well, I'll tell you even though it's against the Dark Lords wishes."

"Well, you're in luck because I do happen to know the plan. I just wanted to test you to see if you were really loyal to our master. You aren't, but who cares. Let us continue."

She nodded, slightly confused, but willing to play along. She knew she could use her sexy-Malfoy-ness to her advantage. "Severus, please, if Draco should need help, I want you to step in."

"Let us make the unbreakable curse-bond-thingy."

"Yes, let's."

Bellatrix gasped...and pointed to the stove. "The tea's ready!"

"Yes. It is."

Snape served the tea and then they proceeded to make the unbreakable curse-bond-thingy.

"If Draco should need your help, you will step in and help him, but only if it's beyond a shadow of someone else's doubt. And only if it is necessary to do a thing with another thing will you do the thing."

"Yes."

Bellatrix spluttered. "But...but...it's so specific! Why are you agreeing to this?"

"Because my dear, lovely, smexy, Bellatrix, I am on your side."

Bellatrix gasped...and pointed to Peter Pettagrew. "You've grown!"

"Yes. It has." Snape agreed and went to water Peter.

XxXx

"Shopping! Shopping! Ladee-doddy-doddy-DA! Shopping! Shopping! All the way back HOME!" Harry sang while Ginny shot dark looks at the trio, which she had hatefully nicknamed 'the three pusskateers' because that was the best name she could come up with in her three second time limit.

She stood two feet behind them the whole time, waiting for Draco Malfoy to come out and fall in love with her for no reason.

The only one she had to worry about was Hermione...or was it?

Harry's sex appeal was certainly kicking in these days, and everyone knew about Draco and Harry's sexual tension. Everyone but them and everyone close to them.

"Hey, do you three want to go check out Fred and George's store?" Mr. Weasley apparated by them.

"BLARG!" Ron shrieked. "Dad! Stop doing that already. Ever since you got promoted..." Ron sighed.

"Three?" Ginny said, outraged. "Parental unit, I'm right here!" Ever since Ginny had started to hate Mr and Mrs. Weasley, she had taken to calling them parental unit. Sadly, they didn't seem to care.

"Oh. Hello...Gane." Mr. Weasley smiled. "Didn't care to bother to notice you standing right there in front of me where I could obviously see you easily."

"Yeah, well, bollocks to you."

"This is why we hate you."  
"I know."  
"OK, so let's go see Fred and George!" Mr. Weasley said cheerfully, and they walked into the store that they'd been standing next to for the past half hour.

"Fred!" Ron cried, hoping that Fred would look up first, so he could tell which twin was who.

Luckily it didn't matter since they were wearing name tags.

"Hey, there guys!" George said cheerfully. "George and I were just setting up this new display of luurrve potions."

10 nearby girls began giggling and grinning flirtatiously at Harry.

"Erm…George? You're George." Mr. Weasley said to George who seemed to think he was Fred.

George and Fred looked at each other, "Are you--?

"Does that mean?"

They inspected the nametags.

"Ahhh, so we are." They both smiled happily.

"Right."

While Fred and George were finding out who they really were, Ginny lent on the counter, glaring at the 'three pusskateers' while they looked at some Pimple Poppers—which caused an old lady to come out of the bathroom mirror and pop the user's pimples—when _she_ came along.

She was the most beautiful girl anyone had ever seen. She was the most beautiful, smartest, athletic, fantastic quidditch player, skilled potions master, amazing animagus that could turn into 80 different forms even though that's impossible, sincere charmer, fierce defense against the dark artist, sweetest most kind hearted girl in the world. And she had big boobs to boot. She had long legs that seemed to go on and on and on and on and on like Hermione's explanations on things and the sentences describing this girl's amazingness.

She walked towards the 'three pusskateers', swinging her hips like a pendulum, licking her lips like they were chapped, and batting her eyelashes like she had a fungus of the eyes.

All this and she wasn't even part Veela…or was she?  
"BLARG!" Ron shrieked and almost went to hump her leg, only he didn't because as of now she wasn't Veela, so he could act normal around her. Sort of.

"Ron!" Hermione cried, getting jealous of this girl that wasn't Fleur. This girl who wasn't engaged. Despite Ron's utter and complete idiocy, he was her ideal man.

"Oh Ron, can't you see--"

"One word Hermione. Viktor Krum." Ron said, pointing a finger at her. "You hear me, Victor Krum? OK the word count ends after this word…NOW!"

"Hello, Harry Potter." The girl said, looking Harry straight in the eye instead of straight in the scar. Harry knew from that moment on that she was different then everyone. She would love him for his mother's eyes; not Voldemort's scar.

"Hey…you." Harry said cleverly.

"My name's Narphellia Spaghetti-Craft-Macaroni-And-Cheese, but you wouldn't know that unless Snape was really my father, and Voldemort my grandpapa, and you're your mother, Lily, my real mother."

"Oh. Plot twist?"

"Yes. Very much so."

"Right then."

"But you can call me NarPh, with a capital P."

"Lovely." Harry smiled. NarPh was quite enchanting really.

"I'm going to Hogwarts this year," She explained, using her magical powers to read their minds and see that they were wondering what she was doing there. "I'm going into my 6th year even though I only got my letter yesterday. My owl apparently had a midlife crisis, and I live in the middle of the ocean in a little hut with my adoptive mother who's blind, deaf, plays the tuba all day, and is slightly retarded, so she doesn't have much control over my life. That means we can do the mumbo number five whenever we want, Harry."

Harry finally saw that this girl only wanted him for his body, not his eyes. This wouldn't do.

"Sorry, I'm taken."

"But what about my huge breasts and long legs and perfect everything?" She cried.

"Erm, I'll have to pass, but would you like to be best friends with us?"

"Sure!" She said happily.

"Mate, are you bloody insane? She's gorgeous! Are you a fairy or something?" Ron muttered to Harry when Hermione and NarPh had gotten out of earshot by taking two steps to the right.

"'M not gay," Harry mumbled, and then decided that if he were to prove that he'd have to start… "dreaming" about Ginny.

"Maaate!" Ron hissed, "We can double!"

"With who? Me and NarPh and you and _Hermione_?"

"Uh, well, NO! Viktor Krum, Harry!"

Harry sighed.

NarPh had quickly become their best-friend-ever by the end of the minute.

"I hate her." Harry said after she'd left with a quick 'toodeloo!'

"Me too!" Ron cried.

"And here I thought I was the only one." Hermione sighed.

They all let out sounds of relief; a sigh, a laugh, a fart.

"RON!"

"Sorry, I know I should have done the whole pull my finger thing, but it took me by surprise."

Hermione just thought that Ron was being a sexy guy again.

"We better go buy some robes now." Harry said, glancing down distastefully at Ron's attire.

"Yeah, Mum say's my ankles have been showing too much lately. She says they're rather thick and that it's unflattering." Ron said sadly.

They danced their way down the street and into the robe store.

"Oh, Potter and friends, it's you." Draco sneered in a sexy Malfoy sort of way.

"Draco, that's not a very nice way to greet the three most disgusting people on earth, now is it?" Narcissa Malfoy sneered in an equally sexy way.

Damn sexy Malfoys.

"MALFOY!" Harry shouted excitedly, and then, when everyone in the world stopped to stare at him, he shouted more angrily and less fanboyishly, "Malfoy! How dare you buy robes in the same place we want to buy robes!"

"Know what, Potter?"

"What?"

"Na-na-na-boo-boo!"

"Oh no he didn't!" Hermione blinked.

"Oh be quiet you stinky-poop-face," Draco stuck his tongue out at Hermione, who started to blink rapidly.

"I—Malfoy! You…you called me a stinky-poop-face. Not a mudblood, a stinky-poop-face! Thank you." She began sobbing.

"So Malfoy, how's your father doing rotting in jail? He like the food in there? The dementors giving him a hard on in there?"

"No, but your mama is."

"My mama's dead! And so is Sirius!"

"Yeah, I bet the dementors gave him a hard on." Draco snorted.

"Damn you to hell, Malfoy! You'll pay for this. If not this year, then next year. You and your pathetic Death Eating family. EAT THIS!" Harry said and threw a piece of old chewing gum at Draco, missing by about…a whole direction.

"Next year, Potter? There may not be a next year for me. More important things to do if you know what I mean," He sneered, "Trouble's a' brewing this year, Potter. I'll have random sexual moments with you yet."

He and Narcissa stormed out in a stormy way.

"Damn it." Harry said, "I'm sick of Malfoy being so…so…"

"Sexy?" Ron and Hermione said at the same time.

"Yeah, that's it." Harry frowned, and they bought some stylin' new robes.

"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked while they were going to meet up with Mr and Mrs. Weasley again.

"It's just…Boy, I hope we never see NarPh again."

Hermione shuddered.

TBC!


	3. Draco and His Mummy

Just as a side note, the title is intentional. I had originally written OOC which would be the clearer choice, but I liked the ring of 'OC Everybody' better. Then I thought about it and how there's obviously NarPh, but also the fact that no one is really themselves at all. More like horrible own characters. And, to follow the lovely grammar and word usage my characters tend to use, I figured I might as well go with that to add to the parody-ness. I'm only writing this note because a friend of mine commented on it, and it got me worried.

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 3: Draco and His Mummy

The super-dee-duper HP gang was chillaxin like you would not even believe when suddenly Harry saw Draco walk by…WITHOUT HIS MOTHER!

"ROB!" Harry cried.

"RON!" Ron corrected furiously.

"Right, whatever. This isn't the time to be worrying about something as useless as your name when Malfoy is walking by!"

"Who cares?" Ron shrugged.

"Without his mother."

"What the—?"

"You're kidding!"

Ron and Hermione looked flabbergasted.

"I'm dead serious. Not Sirius…serious…"

"We know!" They cried.

"Harry," Hermione said quickly, "This is big, really big, we have to find Dumbledore and--"

"Dumbledore nothing, we have to use my handy dandy…"

"Invisibility cloak!" A bunch of random first years shouted.

"Right," Harry gave them a big, cheesy grin.

"Harry, don't, this is crazy…Malfoy isn't going to be up to anything, and you know it. You're always wrong, Harry. Haven't you realized that, yet?" Hermione said, trying her hardest to stop Harry from being foolish.

"But Hermione, what if this is the one time in the history of forever that I'm pretty much right for an entire year. The year of the antelope."

"Antelope?"

"Well, yeah, you know they always run free. They're always right. Freedom is right. Freedom is the only way. Antelope, yeah."

Hermione just sighed and got under the invisibility cloak so she could be near Ron.

They followed Malfoy for a long second, when suddenly he made a sharp turn into a store.

They crept quietly after him.

"Ooh!" Ron squealed. "We can use the Extendible Ears that I've been saving for no apparent reason!"

"Ron…we can just go in the door. He left it open."

"Oh." Ron said disappointedly.

They slipped in completely noticed by everyone except Draco, and they stood behind him while he began talking to the man behind the counter.

"I'll need five magic transportation keys that can make anybody transport to the desired location even if there are spells prohibiting it. Spells like, say, the ones at Hogwarts."

"Here you go." The man handed Draco exactly what he'd asked for, and Draco left the store.

"I wonder what he's buying." Ron muttered.

"Ron, he wasn't hiding anything. That's what he was buying." Hermione told him with exasperation.

"Oh."

"But what's he going to do with them?" Ron tried again.

"Maybe he's going to give them to homeless people?" Harry guessed.

"Maybe."

"What could he possibly be trying to transport into Hogwarts?" Hermione asked herself since Ron and Harry had begun arguing over whether Malfoy was going to give them to homeless people or his favorite color was green.

They stopped arguing long enough for Ron to turn to Hermione and say, "That's a good question Hermione. Maybe he wants to transport his dad from Azkaban?"

"Ron…" Hermione said wearily and just looked at Ron. "That's completely retarded and you know it."

"KRUM KISSER!" Ron shrieked and ran for the hills.

XxXx

Draco couldn't seem to catch a break.

He had been peacefully trying to buy some new robes at his favorite robe shop, when that damn Granger and Weasley had come in and ruined his pleasant afternoon. A pleasant afternoon that was _supposed_ to be spent with his mum. He didn't so much mind Harry, who had gotten incredibly sexy over the past…time.

Those eyes…

_No!_ Draco yelled at himself. _I can't be having suppressed sexual feelings for Potter. I'm evil…but I'm not evil…sob…Won't somebody see me for who I really am?_

Then Draco realized he was being absurdly lame, and he stopped before it got out of control like the last time.

"I'll realize who you are." Said a quiet voice that sounded like honey mixed with strawberry ice-cream.

Draco turned and saw the most beautiful girl ever, standing slightly behind a tree that he hadn't noticed before. He frowned, hating her already. "Who are you?"

"NarPh!" She said, stepping out from behind the tree. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders.

"That's great, really, but could you leave now?" He pushed her hands off, only to have her put them back on a different part of his body. "_Nghghh_!" Draco said disgustedly. "Go away!"

"But…but...Draco I--!"

"Now."

"Fare-thee-well." She sobbed and left.

"I hate my life." Draco smiled just so he could frown again. He didn't want to go on this stupid mission for Lord Voldemort, who was starting to act more and more like a mentally disabled watermelon everyday. Plus, he seemed to be hitting on Draco's mother a bit too much for Draco's liking. He was used to his mother being hit on at least a five times a day by everyone, but this was going too far. Voldemort was at least up to six. At least.

It was hard being a sexy Malfoy.

Draco strongly suspected that Voldemort was using this extremely stupid, yet dangerous mission to off Draco, so he would be one step closer to having Narcissa.

Draco recalled the day Voldemort had given him the mission.

_"This is your mission. Do you accept it?"_

_ "No."_

_ "Splendid. It is time you leave. If you should fail then do not bother ever eating cheese again. We will find you, kill you, and I will make passionate moo-moo with your mummsy. I never had a mother and you shouldn't either. Are we clear?"_

_ "I hope Harry Potter kills you."_

_ "Yes, yes, don't we all?" Voldemort waved a hand at Draco, and went back to dressing up Nagini in a bikini. _

Draco glowered at nothing in particular, realizing that he only had himself to trust.

XxXx

It was the night before they were returning to Hogwarts, and Harry couldn't sleep. He knew Draco was up to something, but what? Hermione and Ron thought he was being paranoid again, but he just couldn't stop thinking about Draco.

_I'm not obsessed, _Harry pouted, _just strongly intrigued and suspicious and…aroused? _

_ Ginny! Ginny! Ginny!_

"You rang?" Ginny asked, sliding out from under the bed.

"Er, no."

"Well, good because Seamus wouldn't like it."

"Don't you mean Dean?"

"Yes. Him too." She said, and crept into the shadows.

Harry fell into a fitful sleep that was filled with fits.

The next morning the 'three pusskateers' were pleased when letters landed in all of their cereal.

"Mmm!" Ron cried, "I love letter cereal! Mum, you've really outdone yourself this time!"

"No, Ron! Don't eat that!" Hermione shrieked and grabbed Ron's letter out of his cereal.

After Hermione opened her letter complete chaos ensued; Hermione started hyperventilating when she saw she hadn't gotten a gold wizard sticker next to every one of her classes, Ron started hitting her on the back, assuming she was choking—which, even if she had actually been choking, wouldn't have saved her since he was basically just slapping her back—Harry thought about Draco, and no one but Ginny even bothered to inform Mrs. Weasley about what was going on.

Sadly, that still didn't get her any attention, and Mrs. Weasley continued frying beans. Despite the fact that they could now afford mushrooms, Mrs. Weasley thought it best to save as much money as possible just in case they wanted to take a trip to the nearby meatpacking plant that they were all so fond of.

After things had calmed down for Ron, Harry, and Hermione, Hermione turned to Harry and gave him an odd look. "Harry, why aren't you looking at your results? Aren't you the least bit interested in what you've gotten on your O.W.Ls?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "Honestly, Hermione, haven't you learned anything? I'm _Harry Potter_."

"So?"

"So, I'm Harry bloody Potter, of course I got into every class I wanted. What? You think I failed everything. _Plfhhg_you never cease to not amuse and confuse me, Hermione. And even though I bet I didn't get the required score to be in Snape's potions class, Snape's probably going to end up not teaching that class so it won't matter. I'm the luckiest unlucky boy ever."

"Whatever you say, Harry." Hermione nodded, finding it easier than the alternative. Besides, the fried beans were ready, and her parents, who were teeth enthusiasts, would never allow her to eat them in their presence. What that had to do with teeth, she was never sure, but nevertheless this was a rare opportunity.

"The beans…are served." Mrs. Weasley said graciously, hiding most of them behind her back in case there was a shortage of beans when the war was at its worst. What was the world coming to when you couldn't buy decent beans?

XxXx

"But Muuuum!" Draco whined, "I don't _want_ to go to school this year! Harry Potter's going to be there, and I might not be the hottest thing since breaded chicken anymore!"

"Draaco," Narcissa warned, trying to be more firm with Draco. She'd read in her _A Sexy Witch-Mother's Guide to a Mama's Boy_, that keeping Draco by her side for a whole entire year, rather then send him to school, would be the worst thing for both of them.

But those tears!

And the mission!

"Draco, you mustn't do this to Mummy. You'll be home for Christmas, love! And of course you're the sexiest thing to walk into that school. Why…you're the sexiest thing to walk through those Hogwarts doors since, well, me!"

Draco's eyes widened, "You really think so?"

"I know so, darling. Now let's get ready to go; we don't want to oversleep and miss your train tomorrow, now do we?"

Draco muttered something under his breath.

"Draaacooo,"

"No, we don't." He gave in. "Mum?"

"Yes?"

"Can you sing me my favorite song?"

"Of course, Dracospoo." Narcissa remembered all too clearly when Draco was fifteen and she used to sing him that song every night before he went to bed.

_Spaghetti Spaghetti _

_ All covered in cheese_

_ Mushroom Mushroom! Here comes the train_

_ Olives, yogurt, pasta please!_

_ Ravioli Ravioli _

_ Portobello mushroom!_

_ Ravioli Ravioli_

_ I love Draco_

_ And Flowers are pretty!_

Draco, who had been laughing and clapping as Narcissa sang, now sat back in his bed and smiled contently.

"Just one more thing, Mum? Can you kiss me and Brittney goodnight?"

"Of course!" Narcissa smiled serenely and gave Draco and his imaginary friend Brittney their respective kisses.

TBC


	4. Muggle Born Marty

Thank you so much for all the reviews! I really appreciate it. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 4: Muggle Born Marty

After much sobbing, Draco pulled away from his mother and looked at her tearfully. "Bye, Mum I—I love you. Don't die while I'm gone, please. OK?"

"I won't, Dracsey. Now don't forget what you have to do. It's so important. And it's amazing that…Sheila…is trusting you with this. If you succeed—which I know you will—then your life will be all rainbows and Purebloods forever." Sheila was Voldemort's codename. You never could be too careful when Harry Potter and his friends were standing two feet away from you.

Two feet away from them:

"Form a line children!" Mrs. Weasley told everyone, and she then proceeded to kiss every single one of the hundred kids. Seventy of which weren't actually hers.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny managed to drag themselves away from Mrs. Weasley, when, suddenly, she shouted after them, "RONALD! Don't forget to put the cream on your wee-wee. If it burns when you pee owl Mummy and she'll be sure to owl the doctor!"

"Muuum!" Ron wailed, and Harry and Hermione laughed their heads off.

XxXx

Draco was just minding his own business, having a lovely, private chat with his friend Brittney, "No Brittney, _you_ have better hair. Nuh-uh. Shut up! No, Brit-Brit!" when that stupid girl from Diagon Alley burst into his compartment.

"Gandalf!" Draco cried, "What do you want?"

"You!" NarPh shrieked.

"Besides that," Draco growled, seeing that people were behind the pesky girl, so he'd have to put up his cool, ice-king exterior. The one he only let down for Brittney.

Draco's fellow Slytherins gave NarPh withering and strange looks and began to sit down around Draco.

"I want to be your girlfriend, Draco! We'd be so perfect together! Unless of course you're really in love with that mudblood Hermione! Gosh, I hate mudbloods. I wonder if she's a mudblood. I shall continue to befriend her anyway. Now DATE me!"

"Sorry, I'm taken." Draco lied and turned to Pansy. "Quick! Pansy, pretend to be my girlfriend."

Pansy, who had been waiting for this moment her whole entire life since she was eleven, grinned madly and saw that this was her chance to show off her new, sexy talk.

"_Hiss…psss…hisss…psaaa_"

"What the fuck? Pansy, are you ill?" Draco asked as Pansy continued to hiss and pet Draco's hair—in a way that was very much like the way a five year old pets a dog. PET! PET!

"I learned how to speak Parsley Tongue over break," Pansy smirked at everyone around her, even though they were all looking at the mysterious sleeping man that was in there with them.

A man that bore a strange resemblance to…Snape!

"Parsel Tongue? Pansy, that's not Parsel Tongue, you're just--"

"Shhhh _hiss_ _flamingo hiss,_" Pansy cut Draco off and began petting his head even harder.

XxXx

"Look, if I turn my head sideways I can see the world at a different angle." Luna said mysteriously. "Isn't that odd? You try it, and I'll see if it affects my perspective of things."

"Umm…Sure." Harry said, hating his life more and more by the second. For one thing Ron and Hermione were off gallivanting with the other Prefects, so he was feeling very vulnerable. What was even worse than that was that NarPh had run in seconds before, sobbing about drapes or something.

Before Harry could turn his head sideways—even just a tad—a girl with two heads, two feet, and multiple schoolhouses--obviously not large multiple schoolhouses--not to be confused with multiple sclerosis--but miniature ones--attached to her heads, burst into their compartment.

She opened her mouth to say something to Harry, but spotted NarPh. "Oh, everyone's talking about you, New Girl. They say you were having a chat with Draco Malfoy. We all expect you to be in Slytherin then, but don't expect us to be right. We never are."

"What if I manage to be in Gryffindor and snag Draco Malfoy and flirt with Harry Potter and cause tons of hilarity and chaos to ensue?"

"Touche'" The two headed girl's right head said. Her left head focused on Harry. "Hello, Harry. I wanted to know if you'd like to be saved from these losers and come sit with a two-headed, freakalick-chicana like me. Well, how 'bout it? I give two-head, haha, get it? I thought so."

The girl let out a terrified scream as a bird began molesting her face…s.

"Trevor!" Neville cried, "Stop doing that you crazy froggy-woggy-doodle-day!"

"Er, Neville," Harry said cautiously, not sure if it was wise to point this out, "That's a bird."

Neville blinked. "No it's not."

"Yeah, it really is, Neville." Harry said, not liking it when anyone corrected him. He was Harry freakin' Potter for Gandalf's sake. "Where's the real Trevor anyway?"

Neville looked indignant. "Well, Gram says that he went back to the pet store to teach the other frogs how to hop."

Harry raised an eyebrow, "What pet store would this be, Neville?"

"The same one where Fregshime, the goldfish, had to go back to so he could teach the other fish how to swim."

"Harry, I think it would be best if you let Neville believe his pet wasn't dead. It would be kind. I don't have many friends." Luna said dreamily, making Harry very uncomfortable. Luna had that way with him.

"The sky is blue." Luna said, looking deep into Harry's soul. He squirmed. Luna spoke these weird truths that always seemed to cut Harry deep. Where it hurt. In his pelvis.

Suddenly Harry's Dradar went off. He quickly hit the button located directly beneath his bellybutton and went into Draco-stopping, butt-crunching action.

"I have to…powder my nose." Harry said, "Excuse me."

Harry slipped on his invisibility cloak just as the incredibly annoying, somewhat Mary-Sue like, Cho Chang was heading towards him, trying her best to avoid him, but completely unable to actually do so.

"Where'd he disappear to now?" She wondered, completely oblivious to the pair of shoes that appeared to be walking without being connected to a pair of legs, or body, save for some wild, untamable, hair that was floating above them.

"CEDRIC! Why? _Why?_" Cho wailed, ripping her clothes and pouring ashes on her head.

"Cho, it's time for your footbath." One of Cho's Ravenclaw friends said, tapping her on the back.

"Oooh foot bath! Can we put bubbles in? I like bubbles!"

"I like men with toupees."

"Me too!" Cho squealed. "We should totally try to snag some this year."

XxXx

Harry was having trouble powdering his nose while under the invisibility cloak, "_Grrr__ nggg ugg!"_ Harry grunted with frustration.

"Who's there!" Blaise Zabini cried from inside one of the bathroom stalls.

"Umm, it's just me, Pansy." Harry shrilled, raising his voice a few octaves.

"Oh, Pansy, hi. Why are you in the boy's loo? And why does your voice sound so high?"

"Ooh, well, I just thought it might be nice for a change. And I could make sure you weren't shagging Draco?"

There was a pregnant pause in which five more Weasley children were born. "No."

"What kind of no is that?"

"One that means I should…run like hell!" Blaise burst out of the bathroom stall and ran out of the room so fast he didn't even notice that Pansy wasn't in there.

"Now's our chance!" Harry cried to his imaginary friend Brittney. What Harry didn't know what that Brittney was keeping a secret from him that would change his life forever. Yes, what Harry didn't know was his imaginary friend Brittney, and Draco's imaginary friend Brittney, were one and the same.

Harry followed Blaise back into the Slytherin compartment, but the door closed a little too quickly and some of Harry's lovely locks got stuck in the door. Harry couldn't help it, sounds of pain seeped out of his mouth like acid rain.

"Brittney?" Draco blurted out, hoping against all hopes that it was Brittney, whom he had lost track of when everyone else had walked in. It was really tough trying to keep track of a person who was invisible and, quite possibly, not real.

"…Spork? You know, Brittney Spork the queen of…Hey, I got a tattoo this summer!" Draco said when his posse turned and looked at him strangely.

"Tattoo!" They all whispered excitedly, and he quickly showed them the Light-Blue mark that Voldemort had made special for him since he didn't want to waste any of his Limited Addition Regular Dark Marks on Draco.

_"Not that I expect you to die," Voldemort had told him, "just that I'm hoping you will."_

"That's all the evidence I need!" Harry shouted.

"Potter!" Draco also shouted, not wanting to be outdone by Potter, "Where are you?"

"Noooowhere." Harry said, trying to sound calm, cool, and collected, but failing miserably.

Draco ordered everyone out of the compartment, ignoring their groans.

"Where are we gonna do the big disco now?" Blaise said sadly, looking longingly at Draco.

"Stop looking at my man!" Pansy barked like a god and danced like a chicken. "We'll find a new place to get our groove on, and we'll save the old pizza joint at Hogsmede, and the old abandoned warehouse too!"

Finally everyone, including the mysterious man who had been sleeping and looked like Snape, left, and Draco set about to finding Harry.

"Marco!"

"Polo!"

"Marco!"

"Polo!"

"Got you, Potter." Draco said.

"Ew Malfoy, don't touch there!" Harry cried, but couldn't help but let out a giggle. What? It tickled.

Draco pulled off the invisibility cloak. "Having fun following me, Potter? Well, fear not, I didn't reveal anything that I wouldn't have revealed to your everyday Chimpanzee."

"Oh really?"

"Yes really."

Suddenly, the air was filled with random sexual tension.

"What are you going to do now, Malfoy? Huh? Stupefy me, punch my nose, and leave me here bleeding and invisible?"

"I could, but I won't. Not when I could do this!" Malfoy straddled Harry and began bitch slapping his face.

"Eee! Ow! Eee!"

Draco finally stopped, and he and Harry locked eyes.

"What are you going to do now, Malfoy? Rape me so we prove our undying hate, yet extreme sexual attraction, to each other?"

"No, I'm going to do this!" Malfoy said and put his tongue in Harry's ear.

"Holy crap, you're good at that!"

"You have clean ears, Potter." Malfoy said.

"Uh-oh." Harry said.

"What?"

"I think we're almost at Hogwarts."

"Well, we better change then. Get out, so you don't see me Nakey."

"Let's never speak of this again." Harry said, getting up.

"Right." Draco sneered, knowing full well this wasn't the last of their strange, homoerotic, dirty exploits. Not if he could not not help it.

XxXx

"So, Harry? How was your train ride?" Hermione asked cheerfully as they headed into the Great Hall.

"Umm it was completely, 100 normal." Harry lied. "Nothing out of the ordinary happened like me making out with Draco." Which was actually true.

"That's nice. Wouldn't want something like that to happen, now would we?"

Harry shifted and glanced around nervously. "Hey look, it's Gilderoy Lockheart!"

"WHERE? Let me at him?" Hermione became manic.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief then looked at Ron questioningly.

"What? I don't care as long as it's not Krum." Ron said, and then smacked his head into the top of the door frame.

They settled down at the Gryffindor table, and were about to pick up their silverware, when they realized it wasn't silver at all.

It was plastic.

And instead of spoons and forks there were only sporks to be found.

"Where have all the good forks gone?" Ron sobbed.

"Students, I have many announcements that I must make. This year as you have noticed we have done quite a switcheroony. The students will be sorted into houses after we eat since I have to give these announcements now. " Dumbledore stood from his place at the table and gestured to the cluster of first years and NarPh that were huddled in the corner, looking hungrily at the food. Most of them looked like street rats. "Announcements that I must make now so that I do not forget them within the next hour. I blame this recent bad memory on Voldemort, similar to the brown spots on my once lovely hands," He showed his hands, "but, no matter, I will just get to it now.

"First of all, it is no secret of mine—like the one that there is a prophecy about Harry, and how he is the chosen one, and it was Madam Trelawney who spoke the prophecy— that every year we need a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. This year Snape will be taking over the job. This is the ultimate act of trust on my part, so treat him nicely, no fart spells. I don't want to name any names, RON WEASELY."

"BLARG!"

"That is what crossed my mind. Yes. And since Snape is leaving his not-so-cherished post as Potions master, we will be needing a new teacher. I'd like to introduce you to Professor Sneverous Snape."

Audible gasps were heard throughout the hall by all who chose to hear the audibleness.

Harry was outraged. How dare Snape teach his favorite class ever? But wait! This just proved to Hermione that he was right.

"Boy, that Sneverous sure looks a lot like Snape," Ron mused.

"Ron, that's Snape's brother. It was in _Hogwarts A History._"

Since Ron had never read the book, he could not point out that this was, in fact, a lie. Hermione liked to use that to her advantage. Like that time she told Ron that you had to run down the halls of Hogwarts wearing nothing but a coconut-bra every full moon.

"Well, that would explain why he looks a lot like Snape and has the same last name, wouldn't it?" Ron nodded.

"Yes. It would."

"So, Harry, this years gonna suck DADA wise, huh? I mean, with Snape teaching it and all. Maybe we can find a way to give him some sexually transmitted disease?"

"DADA?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. I just thought DADA sounded cooler."

"Well, it doesn't."

"Oh, fine then. It's OK to call Professor Snape just Snape, but it's not OK to call Defense Against the Dark Arts DADA. I see how it is." Ron huffed and looked down at his food. When Ron saw the food in front of him he became confused. He tried to get Hermione's attention, but Harry had already gotten to her first.

_Damnit__, Potter, one day!_ Ron shook his fist at Harry.

"See Hermione," Harry smirked, "didn't I tell you I'd be able to get into the Potions class I wanted?"

Hermione sighed and pretended to be deeply involved in her…hamburger!"

"What _is_ that?" Ron said, poking at Hermione's hamburger with his not-fork-spork.

"Its…it's a hamburger!" Hermione said incredulously. "Why would a hamburger be here at Hogwarts? It doesn't make any sense. And why is there a wizard on it?"

"Oooh maybe we could sell it on the Magic Market for thousands of galleons!" Ron rubbed his hands together, imagining being able to afford a new bedspread for his bed at Hogwarts.

"That brings me to my next point of not-so-interest." Dumbledore continued while scratching absently at his crotch, "I have come to the conclusion that not enough of you students here at Hogwarts are aware of Hogwarts. That is why we are opening McHogwarts. To provide you with toys and fattening foods that will give you energy to be aware of your school. We'll also be handing out FREE RIBBONS for your broomsticks to raise Hogwarts Awareness.

"Now I'd like to direct your attention to the student by my side that's been standing here for quite awhile now. This is Marty. He's part of our Muggle Studies Exchange Program! We'll be sending a few of our students, who we never bother to mention, to Muggle Schools. We feel it will be in their best interest to learn about Muggle things that will never be of use to them unless they go into hiding from Voldemort." Marty smiled and waved at the Great Hall. Everyone, including Malfoy and his posse, loved him.

"Hey there, Muggle Born Marty!" Everyone shouted.

Marty blushed, and went to sit down at his own special table. It was shaped like a mushroom and was next to where the House Elves were starting construction for McHogwarts.

"And finally, I'd like to bring up our beloved quidditch. This year, I've decided, that we're going to spice up quidditch a bit. This year's captains will be naming the teams. And there will be mascots! One for each house and Hogwarts itself. The Hogwarts mascot this year is a surprise. Oooh I can't wait to see your faces!" Dumbledore squealed. "Well that is all. Good luck this year everyone!"

Harry smiled and clapped along with everyone else. The meal would have been normal except for the fact that Draco kept waggling his tongue at Harry throughout the meal.

Damn sexy Malfoy.

TBC


	5. Slytherin or Gryffindore?

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 5: Slytherin or Gryffindor?

"I can't wait to see what house NarPh is getting in to." The girl with multiple heads and schoolhouses attached to them, said eagerly. Well, at least her left head did.

"I sure hope I win this bet that I just made with my left head in our one brain." The right head said.

At the Gryffindor table, people were not quite as excited.

"Oh please please please don't let NarPh be with us." Harry, Ron, and Hermione—and everyone else, even the one's who hadn't met her yet—prayed.

The same things could be heard at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy could be found praying into his Wizard-Nuggets, Pansy Parkinson was ready to squirt ever-changing-colored ketchup at NarPh if she were to come any closer to Draco, and Blaise Zabini was ready to toss some Big Warts at NarPh's face for the same reason Pansy was poised with the ketchup. Blaise and Pansy glared at each other, for now in alliance, but ready to become enemies once again. Forever rivals for Draco's heart.

Unbeknownst to them, whenever he got the chance, Draco was waggling his tongue at Harry Potter, who was still praying for NarPh to be in Hufflepuff since no one ever talked about that house now that Cedric was dead. Poor Hufflepuff, it had never done anything wrong to anyone.

The first years were sorted into houses, but no one was paying attention to them. They were waiting for NarPh. As she approached the hat, everyone held their breath. She sat down, and three hours later the sorting hat finally decided, "Gryffindor!"

"WTFOMG!" The girl with multiple schoolhouses attached to her heads shouted. "I was totally wrong even though I knew I would be! Now let me disappear and not be mentioned for awhile."

"Damn it!" Harry shouted and banged his fist against the table at the same time that Malfoy began doing a very sexy dance on the Slytherin table. "Why do we always get the stupid new girls?" A bunch of Mary-Sue's waved from the other end of the table.

"That's not true, Harry. Sometimes Slytherin gets them. Just look over there at Voldemort's five daughters and three granddaughters, and Snape's daughter and his niece, and Sirius's daughter who actually came out of Remus' artificial womb…they're all in Slytherin." The group of Slytherin-Sue's waved at them.

Harry sighed, "Yeah, I guess we've both got our problems. Maybe we're really the same on the inside? Maybe we can all get along and be BFFs!"

"No, Harry, no." Hermione shook her head.

"God I hate her," Harry glared at NarPh as she skipped over to the Gryffindor table."

"I know."

"Me too."

Ron and Hermione said, also glaring at her.

"Hiya guys!" NarPh said cheerfully.

"Hey NarPh!" Harry cried as she got to their table.

"What's up?"

"How _you_ doin'?"

They all grinned.

"I'm so happy to be in your house! You guys are so nice, but watch I'm going to seduce Draco Malfoy right before your eyes! And I'll continue to be friends with Hermione even though she's a Mudblood because I don't want to ruin the moments of friendship that we've built up over the past time we met."

"I feel special." Hermione said.

"You should."

"Well I do." Hermione said irritably.

"Well OK, that's great." NarPh said getting angry.

"I hope you and Draco Malfoy make ugly sexy babies and you lose control over your bowels."

For some reason all this talk of Draco and NarPh made Harry's stomach twist into knots. Could this be the start of not-hate? Lust? Love? Or the Wizard-Nuggets that Harry had just consumed?

"I hate you, Mudblood!" NarPh shouted and she and Hermione began wrestling on the table, tugging at each others hair, and getting McHog-Shakes all over them.

"Oh my god." Ron breathed. "This is better than watching Fleur and Bill make soup."

XxXx

After the incident at dinner, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in the common room, discussing the new year and all the changes in Hogwarts.

"Well I for one am outraged by the work they were making the House Elves do at McHogwarts. All that building and I bet they never even see one pay check. You'll see, I'll hatch an extraordinarily good, yet awful, plan that will never work. And I'll rope tons of other people into doing it with me!" Hermione declared, already against this McHogwarts.

"Hermione, we've been through this," Ron said exasperatedly, "if you fry them they taste good. You don't need to pay for them."

"No, Ronald, that's _hamburgers_, and you don't fry them. You grill them or Gandalf knows what."

"Kr—"

"Don't even say it." Harry said, gripping Ron's shoulders.

"_Nnnn__…nnn…NGG_! I'm going to go find someone who will think I'm smart. Or at least give me kisseys!" Ron sobbed and ran from the Common Room just as Ginny walked in.

"Hey, Ginny." Harry said, suddenly having a sexual fantasy about Ginny in Styrofoam.  
"Oh, Hello Harry. I just came from snogging Dean. Jealous? Good. Have you met Malfindeg? My Shrew Skewer." And sure enough, resting on Ginny's shoulder was a skewer with a shrew on it.

"Ewww it's so cute!" Hermione said, looking nauseous.

"I know, it's so gross and snuggly!" Ginny smiled. "Do you like my dark clothes that I wear with my shrew? The dress code at Hogwarts no longer applies to me since no one cares enough about me to tell me otherwise. Sniff. Are you not sympathizing? Well don't. I don't need your pity, Potter and Granger. Watch, I'll switch over to Slytherin before you even…"

But Harry and Hermione had already left.

XxXx

"You didn't join the Slytherin Choir!" Pansy shouted, completely pissed off and shocked that Draco would do this to her. They'd been in the Slytherin Choir together since they'd gotten to Hogwarts. That's how they'd gotten to be such good friends.

"Not this year, Pansy. I just can't stand another year holding those frogs and singing bad, corny songs with no words. Mum's really going to be disappointed when she finds out, though." Draco felt his heart twist as he thought of causing his Mummy pain!

Blaise snorted from the other side of Draco, "Yeah, Pansy, he'd just rather join the Slytherin Hacky Sack team with me. You know, he's really very busy this year, what with Quidditch and all. He's helping to pick out the new name, you know."

"Actually, Blaise, I'm not joining the Hacky Sack team this year either."

"Draco!"

"Don't fight me on this one, Blaise." Draco said tiredly.

"Well what about opening the ol' lemonade stand with us?" Crabbe and Goyle said hopefully, trying to use their world famous puppy dog eyes on Draco.

"Stop that you two," Draco cringed, looking disgusted. "We haven't done that since second year. My Gandalf, it's bloody time to let go."

"Well what _are_ you doing this year, Draco?" They all asked him, wondering just what this new mystery project was that was keeping Draco from all his usual activities.

"I can't tell you." Draco said cryptically. "But there are two things, and one has everything to do with having more random sexual moments with Harry Potter. But you'll never know that, will you?"

"What?" They all turned back from watching two extremely short first years pound the crap out of each other.

"The cheese has power, and that's all you're getting."

"Fine." They pouted.

XxXx

"Hi." Luna said, then walked away.

The uncomfortableness settled in around Harry.

"UG! I _hate_ when she does that." Ron shuddered. "She's so loony. Hey! I'll call her Loony Lovegood."

"Ron, you already do that."

"Oh, so I do." Ron said, trying very hard to remember when he'd ever even met Luna before.

As Ron was trying to remember when Luna had come into his life, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patel walked in. As usual, they were giggling madly about something retarded, but this time their giggles seemed to be even louder.

That was when Harry, Ron, and Hermione saw who was with them.

_Aw bloody hell, here comes NarPh_. Harry thought, depressed. "Hey NarPhy, how are you liking school?" He asked as soon as NarPh got within two feet.

"It's good now that I've found these two. I'm going to cause some favorite ships to get together while simultaneously getting together with the best boy in school. At this point it could either be you or Draco Malfoy. We'll just have to find out, won't we?"

"Yes we won't." Harry nodded, glad to be tipped off about this plan before Malfoy was. The first step to solving a NarPh is knowing that you have one.

While NarPh and Harry were talking, Lavender was making googly eyes at Ron, who was too busy imagining Hermione and Krum getting dirty on a muddy Quidditch field to notice.

"Gandalf _damn_ you, Hermione!" Ron shouted, and Hermione began sobbing.

"I love you, Ron!"

"I love you more!"

"I love you more more!" Hermione cried and Ron backhanded her in the face.

"Let's make up now." Hermione said ten minutes later, rubbing her face.

"Yeah, OK."

They hugged and Lavender jumped into the hug.

"Lavender?" Ron said, looking taken aback. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing," She giggled and she, Parvati, and NarPh made a Congo line and danced away.

Hermione sniffed and watched them Congo away, she ran into her room, sobbing, moments later.

"I really really don't understand girls." Ron sighed.

"I better go follow her even though I'll have nothing to say as usual." Harry also sighed.

"There never is anything to say to girls when they're upset, and if there is it's about as impossible to know as the way to defeat Voldemort."

Harry shook his head, "Maybe we should just give up on girls all together."

Something in Ron's eyes changed. "What was that, Harry?" His voice was very low, but Harry could feel the underlying tones of anger.

"I was just joking…you know, giving up on girls for boys since we'd understand them better…ha."

"Never joke about something like that, Harry. Or I may have to go into a fit of Weasley Rage and beat you to a bloody pulp." After saying that, Ron stood taller, and brightened, "Well, I guess I won't be seeing you for awhile then. Night, Harry."

"Night, Ron." Harry said, feeling a bit shaken.

The two boys parted ways much to Harry's immense relief. He didn't like this new side of Ron.

TBC!


	6. The Truth About Ron and Hermione

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 6: The Truth About Ron and Hermione

"I really don't understand why you and Ron have to fight like that." Harry said wearily while Hermione did some hocus-pocus on her boo-boo to make it feel better.

"Harry, you know it's just our way."

"Yeah, but it's a really weird way. I mean, what are you going to tell the kids if you guys get married--which you probably will since I can't see it going any other way at this point."

"Not unless…_we_ get together!" Hermione said, opening her eyes very wide.

"I dunno, I guess we could." Harry shrugged, not really caring one way or the other.

"OK, let's do it!"

They sat in silence for awhile, Hermione idly picking some lint out of her bellybutton and Harry fiddling with his wand.

"This just isn't working for me," Hermione said finally.

"Me either." Harry agreed, still not caring one way or the other.

"Harry," Hermione said, gently resting a hand on Harry's knee, "It's not you. Really. It's me. I'm just set in my old ways of being a feminist, and fighting against things like selling children on the internet for six bucks, or bad movie prequels/sequels like The Phantom Menace."

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"Well, Harry, it's just that…" Hermione trailed off, trying to think of how to phrase this. She hadn't thought that she would have to practically spell it out for Harry. "Everyone knows that brilliant, feminist girls like me want a guy like Ron."

"That makes sense." Harry nodded slowly.

XxXx

The next morning Harry was woken by Ron and Hermione standing over his bed.

"Ron—Hermione? What are you doing in here? This is the boy's dorm."

Hermione shrugged, "I get special privileges since I'm a good girl. I mean, us having a threesome right here and right now since Dean is out snogging Ginny, Seamus is watching them, and Neville is pumping iron in the weight room, is absurd and not going to happen. Maybe."

"Right, anyway, why are you both staring at me?"

"We were trying to wake you up with the power of Hermione's mind." Ron explained.

"That's nice, but why?" Harry said, feeling a little annoyed.

"Well, I've been wanting to know why you weren't late getting off the train since you've given me no reason whatsoever to be suspicious."

"So then why are you suspicious?"

"For precisely that reason."

Harry sighed and began his futile quest of convincing Ron and Hermione of Draco's Death Eaterness. Draco's sexiness was something no one needed to be convinced of, so he didn't even bother with that.

"So then he touched your wee-wee?" Ron said, raising an eyebrow.

"YES!" Harry insisted. "It's all an evil plan cooked up by Voldemort; I'm sure of it.

"Sure you're sure, Harry. But I'm not so sure." Ron frowned, not looking sure.

"I just think Malfoy was telling the truth when he said he hadn't revealed anything he wouldn't have revealed to your everyday Chimpanzee." Hermione admitted.

"Fine. Be that way." Harry crossed his arms and turned away, pouting. "Now leave so I can draw my curtains and sob like a little girl."

Hermione and Ron did as they were told.

XxXx

"Stop smirking." Hermione said with annoyance, glaring at Harry as he found out he would be getting in the potions class required to become an Auror.

"You know you like it, Her-mee-o-nee."

Hermione cringed and covered her ears with Crookshanks who has ceased to be mentioned. "Don't say that name!"

"Her-mee-o-nee, Her-mee-o-nee," Harry teased, laughing and dancing in circles around Hermione.

"Don't mess with her, yo." Ron said, tapping Harry on the shoulder. "Only I can make her cry like a little bitch. And same goes for you." He said to Hermione and left.

"Why has Ron suddenly started to act this way?" Harry whispered to Hermione.

"I think it has something to do with his pee-pee problem. I told him to owl his mum, but then he just started ranting about Krum and left."

Ginny walked up to them and sighed dramatically until Harry turned and walked into her and noticed she was there.

"Ron just needs to shag someone. Or snog someone. It's driving him insane. You saw him this summer with the humping of the Fleghsgs and the leg."

"Hermione," Harry said, "Maybe you should just snog Ron. It would solve a lot of our problems."

"No!" Hermione said, looking shocked and appalled.

"But why not?" Harry asked, immensely confused.

"_Because_, just it's _Ron!_ Ew!" Hermione began flailing her arms around, making a disgusted face.

"But what about what you said earlier? About him being your ideal man?"

"Well, he is, but he has cooties!"

Ginny looked from Hermione to Harry back to Hermione and then back again to Harry and then to Luna Lovegood on the other side of the room and back to Hermione. "You two were together, weren't you?"

"Yes." They admitted.

Ginny, feeling extremely jealous, grabbed Dean and began making out with him.

Seamus ran over to watch, waiting for the day when he too would be able to jump Dean's bones. And maybe Ginny's too. Out of no where, this year she became the sexiest thing since breaded cheese.

Even Blaise thought so, and everyone knew he was into Malfoys. And himself.

Harry and Hermione re-joined Ron on the other side of wherever he had gone to after he had yelled at them and left.

They were just heading up to the Common Room where they always seemed to go when they weren't putting their super-snooptation skills to the test, when Hagrid appeared out of nowhere. He must have had super-stealth-mode since it's pretty hard to not detect someone of his size showing up.

"Woah! Hagrid, you must have super-amazing-stealth-mode!" Harry cried.

"No. I just have the grace of a ballerina." Hagrid explained, and that explained everything.

"Oh." The past 16 years of Harry's life suddenly made sense.

"No, Harry. No." Hermione shook her head sadly.

Hagrid shrugged, put on a happy face, and then said, "Gwarp's doing fine y'know. I'm teaching him how to tie his shoes now. I can understand why he's having trouble; I had difficulty m'self back in the day."

"And what a long day that was." Harry said.

Hagrid just looked confused. "So, anyway, I s'pose I'll be seeing you lot tomorrow in class. Since in the Wizarding world reading people's mail is perfectly acceptable, I had all your O.W.L results intercepted, so I know you qualify fer me class. Want some of me Lucky Charms?"

"Sure!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione reached into the scoopy-part—not to be confused with the palm—of Hagrid's humumbo hand and grabbed some Lucky Charms.

"Well see you lot t'morow." Hagrid smiled and walked away with the grace of a ballerina.

"Oh _no_." Hermione groaned.

Harry and Ron instantly stopped munching on their Lucky Charms, leaving their mouths half open and filled with mush.

"Wha wong 'Mione?" Ron sort of managed to say, spitting food on Hermione.

"It's just…well, now Hagrid thinks we're going to be in his class tomorrow. We got distracted by the magically-delicious Lucky Charms that I can't think of a logical explanation that explains how Hagrid came into possession of them. Or an explanation as to why they taste older and staler every time I eat them."

"Why indeed," Harry said sagely.

Ron frowned, deeply upset by all this talk of Lucky Charms not being the best thing since Muggle Born Marty, "Why do you always have to find the bad in things? Huh, Hermione? When we finally work out all these incredibly pointless issues that we always seem to have, are you going to find the bad in me?"

"Ron, I've always found the bad in you. Since the first day we met!"

"_Ron, you have toilet paper hanging out of your robe." _

_ "Guh…but…BUSHY HAIR!"_

_ "Oh, Ronald. When will you learn?"_

"Oh yeah?" Ron shouted, "Well, you kissed Krum!" Ron ran for the hills, but he couldn't find any nearby, so he went to find Lavender Brown instead.

"So what are we going to do about Hagrid?" Harry asked Hermione.

"Well, I think we should be mature about this. After all, it's our 6th year."

"So we're going to just not show up and not mention it to Hagrid, hope he doesn't notice or that we don't see him for an absurdly long amount of time?"

"Yeah, exactly. You really are pretty quick on the uptake at times."

"Thanks."

XxXx

Harry was in line waiting for the House Elves to make some pipin' hot Big-Warts for him to eat, when Dobby grabbed him, pulled him behind the counter and into the cooking area.

"Harry Potter!" Dobby said nervously. "Dobby is so sorry to have disturbed your waiting, but Master Dumbledore requested me to subtly give you a note."

"So you thought grabbing me out of a huge line of students, while holding and waving a letter around in your hand, would be subtle?"

"Harry Potter is displeased with Dobby? Would Harry Potter like Dobby to smash his head into the stove a few times?"

Harry frowned, not sure if Dobby was being fresh with him or not. At this point he couldn't understand if Dobby _wasn't_ being sarcastic. He was about to question Dobby about it when he glanced slightly to the right and saw who was the fry-cook.

"Professor Snape?"

Snape's head jerked up. "Potter? What are you doing here? Students aren't allowed to be back here."

"Professor, why are you working here?" Harry asked, actually finding this to be quite appropriate. Snape being a greasy, fry-cook and all.

"Because, Potter, not everyone can live on their teaching salaries alone. McHogwarts provides good money to us teachers who need an extra bit of pocket change every now and then."

"What? To buy those potions articles that you like to jerk off to?" Harry muttered, and by the grace of Gandalf Snape didn't hear him over the sounds of the fries…and his brother.

"Severous," Sneverous said cheerfully, "It's my shift now."

Snape turned his head in a very dramatic way, greasy hair spinning around his head. Loud soap opera music began to play.

"These are the Snapes of our lives." Harry said dramatically, watching as the two brothers…stood across from each other.

"But Sneverous, we agreed on this. I said since I couldn't work tomorrow that I would work this shift as well. I need the money."

"For what, those potions articles you jerk off to?"

Harry stifled a laugh, but obviously didn't do a very good job since the soap opera music played louder then ever when they both turned to look at him.

"I like you. 1000 points to Gryffindor." Sneverous said.

"I hate you. 100 points from Gryffindor." Snape said.

Harry pretended to look sad, "Well, some good things never last."

Severous nodded evilly, Harry wouldn't get a thousand points for Gryffindor. Not on his watch.

"But…but…Harry Potter!" Dobby cried, when Harry almost stepped on him, "Dobby must give you this note from Dumbledore!"

"Oh. Ok. Run along now."

"Dobby is always pleased to run for Harry Potter." Dobby bowed deeply.

Harry scowled. "Don't sass me, Mr."

Dobby looked confused and sauntered away—at least in Harry's mind it looked a lot like sauntering.

"Damn it, Sneverous! I need the money." Severous cried.

"You know," Harry began innocently, "The House Elves don't even get paid. I can't believe that they don't pay those poor, kind, sweet Elves, yet they pay a greasy potions teacher like you."

Sneverous laughed, "1 billion points to Gryffindor."

Harry ran away before Severous could deduct points. The rules of house points were a bit confusing to everyone, but it was common knowledge that if you couldn't hear the points being deducted, they weren't. Or else Severous would have a field day when he was alone in his room at night not getting any.

Harry skipped lunch and ran to the girl's bathroom, where he always went when he needed some privacy, to read the note that Dumbledore had given to Dobby to give to him.

_Dear, Snarry_

_ I am writing tsis letter in code. All tse h's are replaced by s's, so if tsis falls into tse wrong sands it will not be decoded. Isn't tsis fun? See? I just wrote isn't this fun? Catcsing on yet? Great. Meet me in my office tonight for a random private lesson. You pick the time, I'll pick my nose. Sasasasa. And yes, to answer your question, you can tell Ron and Sermione anytsing and everytsing about tsis year. Including your fantasies about the Weasley girl that no one knows about. Tsat is all. _

_ Stinky-fiss (hint: It swims in water and dies if you feed it laundry detergent.)_

_ XoXo_

_ Dumbledore_

Harry was so excited to be able to tell Hermione and Ron everything that he knew. Which was pretty much nothing.

TBC!


	7. Harry Potter and the Perverse Hallway

Thank you all so much for reviewing! I really appreciate it, and I'm so happy with the response I've gotten to this fic (on here and livejournal.)

To JadeLilyMalfoy: I suggest looking up a Mary-Sue since I wouldn't do a good job of explaining it ): I'd just ramble on for a bit and probably not tell you much of anything. Or confuse you. If you google it it's not a hard thing to find out

Note: I totally imagined Harry singing this in a William Hung sort of way. Enjoy XD

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 7

"Talk to me, Tell me your name. You blow me off like it's all the same." Harry sang as he headed towards Dumbledore's office.

"What the fuck are you singing, Potter?" Malfoy asked from behind Harry, disgust evident in his voice.

"That's none of your business. Ricky Martin." Harry said without pausing, "It's a Muggle tune; you wouldn't know it. It's the coolest thing ever in the Muggle world."

"I know absolutely nothing about Muggles except that I hate them, and even I know you're telling me a big fat lie filled with doody as black as your soul is pink."

"Shut up. Why are you here anyway?"

"No reason."

"I know nothing about you, except that I hate you yet find you extremely sexy, and I too know that you're lying." Harry said, secretly wondering if Malfoy was telling the truth. He was an awfully good liar.

"Huh. Wow, Potter. You've really outdone yourself this time. I guess you deserve a reward. Okay, I was following you to see what you were up to; I wouldn't have let you know I was here except I couldn't stand to hear any more of that awful song."

"It's not awful," Harry said, wounded, "It's quite catchy, actually."

"Right." Malfoy snorted.

"Well?"

"Well _what_, Potter?" Malfoy said exasperatedly, wondering when he'd be able to get back to studying Potter intensely from behind; he looked better that way. After all, Malfoy hadn't come out at _8:30, _waaaay past his bedtime, to play games with Potter. He was there to look at his bottom, make sure Potter was going to be very far away from wherever he was going to be, and then continue work on his mission for Voldemort, who he had received a letter from earlier in the day.

_Samantha,_

_ I hope you are receiving this in ill health. And I hope it's while you're on the loo or snogging one of your "gentleman friends." I love to inconvenience you. Confused? Well, I'll explain. I have decided to put this letter in code, just in case it falls into the wrong hands. I have changed all the Zs to Qs. EAT THAT DOUBLEPOOP NO ONE WILL DECODE MY LETTER NOW, MONKEY-SPAGHETTI! HaHa! You like my insults? I thought so. _

_ I trust the quest is…n't going well? Good. As I'd hoped. All is going according to the plan that I sort of had. With you out of the way, Narcissa will be my wife, and I will put her in a trophy case since my ding-dong has long since stopped working right. It was a sacrifice I made when I decided to be immortal. Besides, ew, cooties! I can't have any of that. It might put my fantabulous-immortal-ness in jeopardy. _

_ Remember, you have until the end of the year. That's a whole lot of time for you to waste, so what are you waiting for? Go waste it!_

_ Oh, and besides having Narcissa, the plans of Harry Potter may be slightly thwarted. Don't think I don't know about them. No one with a behind like that could possibly not have anything up the sleeves of his trousers. It's just unthinkable. And with that Doublepoop always whispering ideas in his head…I bet he'd give HIM the DADA job! It's not FAIR! I want the DADA job NOW. It was the only thing I ever really wanted besides my own Pimple Popper and a Sorcerers Stone and an _Oompa Loompa_…but, nooo I was denied. First by my father, then by Dumbledore. This is why I must defeat them all._

_ The Velveeta cheese will be mine soon. Then they'll see. THEN THEY'LL SEE!  
--Sheila_

_ P.S. Did Nagini look good in that bikini? I wasn't sure if the color matched my eyes. _

_ P.P.S. Did you do your summer reading? Your mother was worried and I sort of promised her I'd scare you into doing it, but since I was too busy hating you, I forgot. Cover for me if she asks you about it and you haven't done it. Thanks so much. _

_ P.P.P.S When you're at Hogsmede could you pick me up some cream? My Ding-Dong's been bothering me lately and I'm too embarrassed to ask any of my real Death Eaters to do it. Since you'll be dying soon it won't matter if you know._

_ We'll be in touch. Make good choices!_

"Well?" Harry repeated, seeing Malfoy was having a moment of remembrance.

"Well _what_?"

"What's my reward?" Harry said, furrowing his brow, not getting how Malfoy could possibly forget something so important.

Malfoy gave his eyes a long and exaggerated roll, sighed, and shoved Harry up against the nearest wall.

"What are you going to do now, Malfoy? Huh? Put your knee between my legs, thrust your hips against me, and dry hump me until we both come and soil our robes? Then tomorrow you'll thrust your hips against the Slytherin table, and we'll never talk about it? Well?"

"No. Why would I do that when I can do this?"

Malfoy begin caressing Harry's cheek.

"Malfoy," Harry breathed…breathily.

"You have soft cheeks, Potter." Malfoy said, then reached a hand down the back of Harry's trousers and caressed his other cheeks. "There we go." Malfoy pulled away from Harry and smirked; he'd gotten exactly what he'd been after.

"I…I feel so used!"

"Good." Malfoy said and started to walk away.

"WAIT!" Harry cried.

"What now?"

"I kind of liked it."

Malfoy studied Harry for a moment then walked off into the sunset.

"Gandalf, that was beautiful." Harry said, watching the sunset inside the halls. "Perverse, how come there's a sunset?" Harry asked Perverse, Peeve's cousin who generally liked to watch boys and girls from different houses snog in the halls.

"With magic anything is possible," Perverse said, trying to slip a hand down Harry's pants.

"Nice try, Perverse." Harry clucked and waved a finger at Perverse.

XxXx

Harry was about to get into Dumbledore's office when he was stopped by a Snape. Harry squinted and was able to make out a mustache in the darkness. It was Sneverous, the good Wizard of the East.

"Hello, Professor." Harry smiled.

"Hello, Harry. 800 points to Gryffindor because I like you so much."

"Thanks!"

"Harry, I was patrolling the halls tonight and I'm so glad I was because I'd been meaning to invite you to dinner tomorrow night since this afternoon."

Harry, not wanting to go if there wasn't going to be a slamming-wicked-cool group of people, but also not wanting to be rude, asked tactfully, "Who's going to be there?"

"Erm, probably you, some random people who have never been mentioned, Blaise Zabini, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Oliver Wood…"

"Oliver Wood?"

"Yes. He says my parties are all the rage. He's going to be bringing some cool cats from the big quidditch teams."  
"Oooh coolio. I'll be there."

"Don't be square."

They laughed awkwardly and Sneverous walked away.

Harry shrugged and skipped all the way to Dumbledore's office…two feet away.

"Stinky fish." Harry said and a gargoyle reached his hand down the back of Harry's trousers as Harry walked by.

"Good evening, Harry." Dumbledore greeting from the small chair he was sitting in. Harry was extremely perplexed when he saw that there was a multitude of strange stuffed animals sitting around the table with Dumbledore.

"Well, Harry, take a seat." Dumbledore said, gesturing towards the empty pink chair across from him. Harry did as he was told.

"Erm, Professor, aren't we going to be having a lesson?"

"Yes, Harry, but what lesson is complete without a tea-party?"

"One that I would greatly enjoy?" Harry tried.

"Haha oh you slay me, Harry."

Harry briefly wondered why Dumbledore couldn't seem to speak to him without using his name in every sentence before gingerly lifting a tiny pink cup to his lips. Imaginary tea tasted quite good.

"May I have some more tea please?"

"There isn't enough." Dumbledore said with annoyance. "I only made enough imaginary tea for everyone to have one cup."

"…I believe the imaginary tea is unlimited, Professor." Harry said kindly.

"Why, Harry, I do believe you're right. You've past your first test. Let us begin with the lesson." And before Harry could even take another sip of his extraordinary imaginary tea, the table disappeared and was replaced by a pensive.

"Time for another random memory that you've been keeping from me for years?"

"Precisely."

TBC!


	8. Get Me Some Gabagoo

Harry Potter and the Freakishly OC Everybody: Chapter 8: Get Me Some Gabagoo

"Harry, I have decided that it's finally time to tell you everything I should have told you before but never did since I shouldn't have told it to you, but really should have. Capiche?"

"I thought you said at the end of last term that you were going to tell me everything." Harry said, pouting and resisting the urge to suck his thumb. He was sick of being treated like the baby that he used to be. Hadn't they seen how much he'd matured since Sirius had…gone back to the pet store? "Sir." Harry added ten seconds too late, trying to hurt Dumbledore's feelings and make him see how wrong he'd been.

"Well, Harry. I lied."

Harry was shocked by this blatant display of honesty. Didn't Dumbledore realize he was supposed to speak in riddles like, 'well, Harry, I didn't almost tell the truth that I was avoiding to say in the first place since you were born'?

"Now, all things that I will show you are things I know are real, but will pretend are questionable to make myself feel better about lying to you."

"Sounds like I'll have the time of my life." This, of course, made Harry immediately think of his favorite 80's movie Dirty Dancing, and he suddenly had the urge to dance with Patrick Swayze.

Patrick Swayze came up behind Harry and wrapped an arm around Harry's waist. "Not now, Patrick." Harry blushed and pushed him away.

"Oh you bet your bottom galleon, because, Harry," Dumbledore said, referring to Harry's comment about having the time of his life, and choosing to ignore Patrick Swayze, "this is the first time you'll be venturing into the pensive with me…and, more unusually, with permission. You sneaky little jackass." Dumbledore muttered the last bit under his breath.

"What was that, sir?"

"…What was that Faux?"

Faux just looked puzzled and continued to do Dumbledore's paperwork.

"The man we are about to see is none other than Bob Ogden, but he is more commonly known as Boob Ogler for his prominent trait of looking at women's ta-ta's. He has passed on now, but before his life ended I tracked him down and refused to let him use the public restroom until he promised to give me his memories."

_"La-la-la time to use the potty!"__ Bob Ogden said, heading to the bathroom, but first stopping to peer into the women's bathroom. _

_ "Not so fast." Dumbledore stepped out of a shadow, still appearing to be five thousand years old, but otherwise ageless. _

_ "Durgan!" Bob cried. _

_ "I need a certain memory from you…"_

_ "Is this about those pictures I sold on Wiz-bay? Because I didn't know you two were married!" _

_ "No, I enjoyed those pictures very much. This is about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named Voldemort."_

_ Bob Ogden looked shocked. "_No!"

_He tried to push past Dumbledore but Dumbledore sidestepped him. "Give me the memory or your bladder gets it!"_

_ "Only if you flash me."_

_ Dumbledore was not one to be prudish when the future was riding on it._

"Let's go, Harry." Dumbledore said after the flashback ended.

The world around Harry swirled as they entered the pensive, and he thanked Gandalf that he didn't get motion sickness…usually. There had been one incident involving a boat and Uncle Vernon and Dudley heaving themselves about a little too much and waggling their tushies to Britney Spears music, but Harry always tried to forget that. He hated Britney Spears.

For some reason this made Harry think of Malfoy in a school girl outfit, but that would only be sexy if Malfoy was blond…but everyone knew that Draco's hair was usually something like _silver_.

When Harry finally stopped thinking about Malfoy, he found himself outside of a small mushroom-like cottage. Walking towards the cottage was a young man who, in Harry's not-so-humble opinion, looked quite snazzy with his dark hair, and silky robes.

Harry figured that must be Boob Ogler, not because he was the only man in site, but because he was ogling a pair of breast that he'd conjured midair.

Bob Ogden squatted down and knocked on the tiny mushroom door.

_"Wipe your feet."_

"Whaaa? Who said that?"

_"Don't get my carpet dirty."_

"I suppose you can understand what she's saying, Harry?"

"Yeah! She doesn't want her bloody carpet dirty; he should just wipe his bloody feet!"

"Harry, he doesn't understand what she's saying."

"Why not?"

"Name something you can do that others can't."

"Defeat Voldemort." Harry guessed.

"Yes, but no."

"Ummm that's kind of all I've got, sir. You have to work with me here. I'm only quick on the uptake when it's convenient for me."

"Parseltongue, Harry."

"You mean she's a snake!"

"Precisely. My, Harry. You're quite the little genius, aren't you?"

"Smarmy bastard." Harry muttered.

"What was that, Harry?"

"…What was that Faux?"

Faux knew coming on this stupid memory was a bad idea.

Meanwhile, back on the farm.

"Open up!" Bob Ogden cried, using the rusty mushroom-shaped knocker to hit the door.

Finally, a short Italian man answered the door. "Badda bing badda boom, what can I do you for?"

"Is your son Angelo?"

"I believe the question is, is _your_ son Angelo?" The short Italian man said and held up a gun.

"No."

The Italian man gave Bob an appraising look. "Are yous an Italian Jewish Pure-Blood?"

"It's neither here nor there or up the stair or in the bushes over there."

Harry's opinion of Boob Ogler instantly went up. How could you not respect someone who could think of something as witty as that while having a gun (a magic gun) pointed at his head?

The Italian man glared at him, "Wait one moment."

_"I should let him in?"_

_ "I just finished cleaning the carpet!"_

_ "I think we should let the man in."_

_ "Only if he takes his shoes off!"_

Short Italian Man turned back and said finally, "Alright, you can enter, but on one condition-a: You lose the shoes."

Bob slipped off his loafers and Harry thought that made him look a little less snazzy.

"I wouldn't have minded if it was just me by myself, but my wife here just finished cleaning."

And that's when Harry saw the snake slither up behind Short Italian Man.

"This here's my wife, Nagana."

_"Hello."_

Boob Ogler shook her…tail.

"How do you do ma'am?"

Nagana just tilted her head. Harry noticed that she had the prettiest, blackest, silkiest wig he had ever seen on a snake. He also particularly liked her mini-skirt and grandma-bra. It was all cone shaped and pointed like Madonna's. She was one sexy snake-mama.

They walked inside the house and Dumbledore and Harry followed. She didn't do much of a good job cleaning the place, Harry thought with disdain.

Harry noticed a small girl standing in the corner snapping some gum and making some raviolis. She had three arms, five hands, and two feet. Two. Whole. Feet. On her head.

"Hey, Candy, get me some Gabagoo." Short Italian Man shouted at the girl in the corner.

"I only gots five hands, Pa." She whispered angrily.

"_Don't talk back to your father!"  
"You always take his side!" _

_ "I do not, now stop this nonsense right now ugly lady!"_

_ "Fine." _

The girl half slithered half walked over to the fridge to get some gabagoo or whatever it is they store fresh gabagoo in.

"Ew, she has one foot and one tail." Harry said, staring at the girl.

"Ah, yes, Voldemort's mother, Meepit."

"Like on neopets?"

"Exactly. Where do you think they got it from? How else could such evil be spawned?"

"Oh. I see." Harry said, closing his eyes.

Boob Ogler sighed from across the room, "Now, I love me some gabagoo as much as the next guy, but we need to get down to business here. Your son Angela was found poking people with his wand in the park. That's a serious offense in the wizarding world. You remember when we had to release all those fake toy wands since too many people had gotten wind of the real ones? Huh? Huh? Do ya? Angelo is under arrest!"

"I said GOOD DAY SIR!" Short Italian Man cried.

"Wha…?"

"Now that he's confused it's our chance!" Italian Man cried, doing absolutely nothing. "Meepit!"

Meepit walked over and bitch-slapped Boob Ogler, and then ran away.

"You fool!" Italian man shouted and started smackin the bitch around a little bit.

"NO!" Harry cried, like that would do anything.

"Yes." Patrick Swayze said, putting his arms around Harry.

"Not now, Patrick!"

The fighting continued on in the strange house of Voldemort's ancestors until there was a knock at the door.

"Uh, delivery for Meepit Slither-Carpelli. You ordered flowers for yourself, Ma'am. I need you to sign right here."

Meepit walked over despite her broken leg and many bruises. She looked dazed and pleased. "Oh, hello, Delivery-Boy. I didn't know that when I sent these to myself you'd be here. PRETTY!"  
"Don't touch, Meepit! What have I told you about touching the Delivery-Boy? He's Jewish! And a Muggle!"

"Oh, but, TOUCH!" Meepit touched the boy, slammed the door shut, and ran away from her father.

What none of them knew was that not only was this Delivery Boy Voldemort's future father and a Jew, but he was also the grandfather of that briefly mentioned mailman (way back in chapter one) that went to the Weasley's house by mistake. It's a small world after all.

"It's a small world after all…" Harry sang cheerfully as they went back to Dumbledore's office.

"Wasn't that a fascinating look back into the history of Voldemort?"

"Yeah. His family is pretty wacky. Sitcom material. It's a shame he didn't become a comedian instead of the most-evilest-guy-ever."  
Dumbledore nodded sadly. "Well, Harry. That usually is the decision most of the best comedians have. They reach a turning point in their life when they have two ways to choose. They can either fight you or host the Roast of Pamela Anderson. I of course would choose the former, but that is just my humble opinion."

"Yeah, the Roast of Pamela Anderson sucked."

"That it did, Harry."  
TBC

Notes: I don't really care if the timeline for some of that is off. I'm writing what I find amusing here, and since I'm really busy lately I'm just glad when I sit down to write this at all. In any case I hope you continue to enjoy my random sense of humor. I love all of you that do, and don't really care about those of you who don't because no one is forcing you to read this.

I love the fact that Harry is from the Muggle world because I can have references to things outside of it. I know Dumbledore wouldn't know (or maybe he would since he's pretty fucking brilliant and culturally aware) about the Roast of Pamela Anderson, but come on people, it's a parody. Work with me here. I do try to keep it to a minimum but I honestly couldn't resist.

Oh and I am Jewish, I am not anti-semetic. (Well, I kinda am (it comes from going to a Jewish day schoo for eleven years.) I don't particularly care if you were offended by any of that hope you enjoyed.


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